Uhmmmm....I didn't know you could do that....

Electricity is an amazing thing. You can do all kinds of things with electricity. You can have light. You can cook. You can wash clothes.

You can also slice away cancerous areas on your coochie!!

Seriously, I'm not kidding.

By the time the merry month of May rolled around, it was time for the L.E.E.P. procedure. Loop eclectro....something....procedure.

The basics of a L.E.E.P. are this. A wire loop thing on a long stick with a cord coming out the end of it. A big sticky patch thing they stick on your thigh to use as a "ground". A suction tube thinger and a big machine that puts out some voltage.

Voltage?

Yep, voltage.

Oh yea, also needles. Looooooong needles to shoot numbing shit into your cervix. Great. Thanks. (I've passed out just from having blood drawn.)

They shoot numbing stuff into your cervix. Do you have any idea how bad it HURTS to have not one, not two, but numerous needles put into your twat? It hurts pretty fucking bad!!!

The big suction tube thing? That's used to suck the "smoke out" from the burning flesh. Burning flesh? From my twat? Are you serious?

Yep, I'm afraid that I am.

I had a smoking pooter!!!!!!!!!!

Electricity goes through the wire loop thing and cuts and cauterizes all the areas that are turning into cancer. Nice. Fuckers.

The nice doctor that got his medical degree online (I'm certain) didn't wait long enough for the numbing shit to take effect. I felt the first two slices off my cervix.

I would rather shit my bed every night for 2 weeks than to EVER experience that again. Hell, make it a month!

Once he sliced everything off of my cervix, he let me know that it had spread up into my cervical canal. I did not know this. I did not know it had spread in 2 months. I hate surprises, especially bad ones that mean more smoking from my pooter!

Sorry, I just can't seem to get over the whole "smoking twat" thing. At the time I thought it was hillarious and I still do. Smoking twat!!!!

Anyway, the recovery was about 6 weeks total. I hated it. I hated it then and I hate it now. I really don't ever want to talk about it again.

SMOKING POOTER!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Much Anticipated Pain

So, I fianlly have the day of the much dreaded phone call from the doctor.

After waiting over 2 weeks for the 2nd biopsy results to come back, they finally contact me. By the way, it was only supposed to take a week for the results, but thanks to the good old U.S. government and the damn V.A. hospital, I got to sit and wait for an extra week and 1/2. Thanks government! It's nice to know I put all those years in the Army and that you've now got my back! Thanks for making me chew on my fingernails for the first time since 4th grade! I appreciate it, buttsluts!

Anyhoo, I was sitting in my living room with both dogs panting on my legs.

The doctors assistant calls me and tells me they need to do another procedure. A LEETS procedure. A what?

"You have numerous areas on your cervix and cervical canal that appear to be turning cancerous".

That's it. That's how she said it. She just spit it right on out.

I've never in my life wanted to crawl into a safe dark place more than I wanted to in that moment. I felt like my entire life had just been yanked out from my very soul. Bottom line, in that moment, it irrevocably changed me. It changed everything for me. So of course, my response is something off the wall.....

"Uhmmm, you know you're not making my day, right?"

As I listened to her talk to me, I was blank. I couldn't think, I couldn't move, I just couldn't do anything. I couldn't even cry.

"Alot of women go through this. Alot of women end up perfectly fine".

That was the line that snapped me out of my daze.

I don't give a shit what alot of women go through. I don't care that 20,000 women a year are diagnosed with this.

All I know is that in this moment, I'm going through this. Not a friend, not a cousin, but me. ME! WHAT THE HELL?

I finally told Ms. Nohappynews that I needed some time to think and that I would call her back tomorrow. She said she understood and she would explain more to me when the shock wore off. Yea, thanks, bye.

I sat and stared at the phone for probably a full minute. Who to call with the happy news first? My redhead of almost 4 years? My parents? My sissy?

I decide on the redhead first. As I spit the hateful words out of my mouth, I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. Before I even finished the sentence, I was sobbing crying. So what do you think the mature grown woman did next?

"I want my mommy!"

That's what I reverted back to. Real grown up, huh?

My redhead proceeded to tell me that everything was going to be ok. No matter what, we would go through this together. He said he had my back no matter what and he loved me. Everything will be ok.

I called the parents next. That didn't go as well. By this time, I was still a sobbing, snotting, crying mess and could barely talk. Mom was like a rock (as usual). My Daddy was another thing all together.

Do you have any clue how horrible it is to listen to the big bad Marine cry even harder than me? I don't think anything hurt me worse than that. I found myself telling him that it would be ok, I would get through this. Don't worry My Daddy, I'll be just fine. Uhmmm, hello? Aren't I supposed to be the one freaking out? Even in a time of such shittyness for me, I had to realize how bad this was fucking with my loved ones also. God I miss the days when I could just scream and throw a fit and nobody thought anything of it!

Last, I call my sissy. Sissy, however, wasn't at home. Sissy was on her way to my house, because the redhead called and said, "She needs you, get out there".

Sissy got to my house in record time. I don't think I ever saw her drive her car that fast up the bumby dirt road. If it would have been different circumstances, I probably would have been laughing.

Sissy and I cried and talked for the longest time. Finally, we had the TV on and this stupid clip came on about Lance Armstrong. It proceeded to tell his story in about a 10 minute clip. Wanna know what?

That was the best damn thing in the world that I could have seen. It made me realize that even if I do go into invasive cervical cancer, that you can make it. It's not a death sentence, unless you allow it to be. Why would I, for the first time in my life, just lay down and take something?

Is that me? Is that what I'm like?

HELL, FUCK NO!!!!!

I will fight, I will make it and I will be just fine!!!! I live through being raised my a Marine, didn't I? What's a couple of pesky ass cancer cells to me?

NOTHING, that's what!!

An Internal..........WHAT?

I've got to go back in time a little. Between the first biopsy and the second, they told me that I had to have "something" else done. I would really love to shove this doctors "something's" that he keeps throwing at me up his skinny ass!

The "something" was an internal ultra sound.

"A what??", I said.

An internal ultrasound is a LARGE wand type device that is inserted and takes pictures of your ovaries, cervix and uterous. Nice.

I walked my butt down a floor at the office to radiology. I swear it was the longest walk of mixed emotions that I ever took. Seriously, I was convincing myself that it wouldn't be so bad. It just couldn't be that bad, right?

WRONG!!!!

The lady that seemed so nice took an external ultra sound first. I realized afterwards that she did that just to throw me off. That's it, get the patient nice and relaxed and then spring the worst case scenario of all porn related medical procedures in their face!! Bitch!

The nice lady that turned in to satan pulled out the "wand".

The "wand" is about 10 inches long and has a fair amount of girth to it.

Satan then pulled out a condom. A condom? What the hell are you going to do with a condom? The bitch never even kissed me! Are you kidding me?

Satan nurse then put the condom on the wand.

I had a look of horror in my eyes. I know she could see every ounce of fear in my very soul. So, of course, I had to make a joke out of it.

"What do you think you're going to do with that?", I said.

"Oh, don't worry. We only insert the ultra sound up to here.", as she points out about 6 inches worth of satans sword.

"That's good, 'cause my boyfriend is hung like a can of tuna fish!"

As she stared at me with a totally blank look on her face, she came over and lifted up the blanket. Satan bitch then told me that I would have to insert the ultra sound myself.

What the fuck is wrong with these people?

Not only am I about to be impaled, but you want me to do it to myself?

Staring, staring, staring. If you ever come face to face with evil, don't ever stare it in the eye. You will lose!

After losing the staring battle with the evil whore, I finally got enough courage to grasp this enourmous thing with both hands and do what she ordered. Ok, maybe I didn't have to use two hands, but it was still big and it still sucked!!

At first, the evil one wasn't being that bad. I did, however, notice that her hand kept slipping lower and lower on the wand. Before I knew what was happening, her hand was at the very end and she was poking it around my side to "get a good look at my overaries". What the hell is wrong with some people? Why would you do that to someone and not give them any warning? Obviously I'm already having problems down there, so why would you shove 10 inches of pure pain around like you were digging for gold? Why?

Because she is Satan, that's why!!

As I layed there, I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes as I stared frozen at the ceiling. Finally, nasty Satan women, noticed my face and says, "Are you ok?"

NO!!!!!!!!!

What's the give away? The tears, the shaking or the pale skin?

Satan immediately turned into a stupid, dumb bitch with no brain in her head!!

Seriously, if anyone is reading this that does this sort of thing for a living, here are some pointers.....

1) NO CONDOMS!!! I don't care if you have to pull out the plastic wrap, just NO CONDOMS!

2) YOU PUT IT IN! If your going to take the ultra sound, then you do it all of the way, baby!

3) WARM UP THE K-Y!!!! The "junk" is sensitive to cold!

4) DON'T LIE!!! If you know you're going to shove the entire thing in, give a bitch some warning!

5) NO CONDOMS! Seriously, It's just disgusting!

And In The Begining.........

And in the begining, God created the heaven and the earth. He also created man and woman. He created woman with ovaries and cervix's and whole bunch of other shit that went bad over the next, oh I don't know, million years!!

Do you wanna know how I know that God is a "man"?

Because a woman wouldn't have given herself all those troublesome 'innards, that's why!

It all started around Christmas of 2005. I started having bad pain and all kinds of "female problems". Great. Thanks. Yahoo, lucky me!!

Actually, I've had problems for years. I was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) when I was 25. Like I really needed a doctor to tell me that something was wrong when I got really fat and couldn't lose weight. Oh yea, lets not forget about the moustache that started to mysteriously appear. Once again, God's a man!!

Back to the point.

I started having severe pain in my stomach and I couldn't stop bleeding. I finally made an appointment with my doctor and he did some tests. I knew something was up when I went for a follow up in Febuary and started cracking jokes to cover up my tension.

The doctor told me I had to go on a 1,200 calorie a day diet.

Are you fucking serious?

1,200 calorie's a day?

I was of course horrified and told him very seriously that "I'm a fat girl! Skinny girls eat more than 1,200 calories a day! Don't you mean per meal?"

Just close your eyes and picture the skinny doctor, with the picture of his skinny wife on his desk, staring at you. No smile, no twinkle in the eye, nothin'.

He just looked at me and said, "I don't think you realize that your life is on the line".

That's it. That's all.

Talk about your "make you think" statements!

By the end of Febuary, I had my first biopsy on my cervix and uterous. After hanging by a thread for about 4 weeks, I got the results back.

"Something came up on your biopsy"

That's what they told me. "Something". Not what the "something" was, just that "something" wasn't quite right. Thanks asshole, I've got a little "something" for you too!!

In March, I had to go back in for a 2nd biopsy. This one was a little more in depth (by in depth, I mean that they dig a little deeper than any stranger that you see once a year should!). This time Doc did a punch biopsy. This is where they take a little metal grabby thing (that looks exactly like a roach clip!) and tear pieces of your cervix and uterous away.

It was great. I asked Doc after he was done if he would like to come over to my house and kick my dog, too. All I have to say is thank God for that wonderful little pill called VALIUM!!!

Now, it's time for another 4 week intermission, waiting, waiting, waiting, drinking some Captain Morgan's and then waiting some more.

In April the day comes of the infamous, "we got your test results back and you need to call us as soon as you can" message. Hmmmm, sounds like it may not be good news, don't ya think???

Turning into Cancer?

Turning into cancer? Hmmm, i wonder exactly what that question or phrase means to the average person. What if it's the "average" person and the doctor is looking at them from across the Grand Canyon of oak desks and he's actually talking about them?

I guess I now understand how the "average" person feels when this happens. It happened to me in March of 2006. Fuck!

My friends think I need to do something to get aggression and raging hormones out in the open, so they suggested a journal. This journal.

This is going to be my story and unfortunately my life for the next few months on what it's like to deal with your own mortality in a very up close and personal way.

I never dreamed at the age of 32, that I would actually have to live with the fact that in 5 short weeks, I will never be able to have children and that i face the very real possibility of having to do chemo and/or radiation. Fuck!

I'm not always politically correct and I'm not always polite, but after all, this IS my life, and hell, who is ever ALWAYS polite or ALWAYS p.c.?

Not me. I hope you enjoy the ride of My Life, 'cause God knows I have!