And In The Begining.........

And in the begining, God created the heaven and the earth. He also created man and woman. He created woman with ovaries and cervix's and whole bunch of other shit that went bad over the next, oh I don't know, million years!!

Do you wanna know how I know that God is a "man"?

Because a woman wouldn't have given herself all those troublesome 'innards, that's why!

It all started around Christmas of 2005. I started having bad pain and all kinds of "female problems". Great. Thanks. Yahoo, lucky me!!

Actually, I've had problems for years. I was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) when I was 25. Like I really needed a doctor to tell me that something was wrong when I got really fat and couldn't lose weight. Oh yea, lets not forget about the moustache that started to mysteriously appear. Once again, God's a man!!

Back to the point.

I started having severe pain in my stomach and I couldn't stop bleeding. I finally made an appointment with my doctor and he did some tests. I knew something was up when I went for a follow up in Febuary and started cracking jokes to cover up my tension.

The doctor told me I had to go on a 1,200 calorie a day diet.

Are you fucking serious?

1,200 calorie's a day?

I was of course horrified and told him very seriously that "I'm a fat girl! Skinny girls eat more than 1,200 calories a day! Don't you mean per meal?"

Just close your eyes and picture the skinny doctor, with the picture of his skinny wife on his desk, staring at you. No smile, no twinkle in the eye, nothin'.

He just looked at me and said, "I don't think you realize that your life is on the line".

That's it. That's all.

Talk about your "make you think" statements!

By the end of Febuary, I had my first biopsy on my cervix and uterous. After hanging by a thread for about 4 weeks, I got the results back.

"Something came up on your biopsy"

That's what they told me. "Something". Not what the "something" was, just that "something" wasn't quite right. Thanks asshole, I've got a little "something" for you too!!

In March, I had to go back in for a 2nd biopsy. This one was a little more in depth (by in depth, I mean that they dig a little deeper than any stranger that you see once a year should!). This time Doc did a punch biopsy. This is where they take a little metal grabby thing (that looks exactly like a roach clip!) and tear pieces of your cervix and uterous away.

It was great. I asked Doc after he was done if he would like to come over to my house and kick my dog, too. All I have to say is thank God for that wonderful little pill called VALIUM!!!

Now, it's time for another 4 week intermission, waiting, waiting, waiting, drinking some Captain Morgan's and then waiting some more.

In April the day comes of the infamous, "we got your test results back and you need to call us as soon as you can" message. Hmmmm, sounds like it may not be good news, don't ya think???