The Much Anticipated Pain

So, I fianlly have the day of the much dreaded phone call from the doctor.

After waiting over 2 weeks for the 2nd biopsy results to come back, they finally contact me. By the way, it was only supposed to take a week for the results, but thanks to the good old U.S. government and the damn V.A. hospital, I got to sit and wait for an extra week and 1/2. Thanks government! It's nice to know I put all those years in the Army and that you've now got my back! Thanks for making me chew on my fingernails for the first time since 4th grade! I appreciate it, buttsluts!

Anyhoo, I was sitting in my living room with both dogs panting on my legs.

The doctors assistant calls me and tells me they need to do another procedure. A LEETS procedure. A what?

"You have numerous areas on your cervix and cervical canal that appear to be turning cancerous".

That's it. That's how she said it. She just spit it right on out.

I've never in my life wanted to crawl into a safe dark place more than I wanted to in that moment. I felt like my entire life had just been yanked out from my very soul. Bottom line, in that moment, it irrevocably changed me. It changed everything for me. So of course, my response is something off the wall.....

"Uhmmm, you know you're not making my day, right?"

As I listened to her talk to me, I was blank. I couldn't think, I couldn't move, I just couldn't do anything. I couldn't even cry.

"Alot of women go through this. Alot of women end up perfectly fine".

That was the line that snapped me out of my daze.

I don't give a shit what alot of women go through. I don't care that 20,000 women a year are diagnosed with this.

All I know is that in this moment, I'm going through this. Not a friend, not a cousin, but me. ME! WHAT THE HELL?

I finally told Ms. Nohappynews that I needed some time to think and that I would call her back tomorrow. She said she understood and she would explain more to me when the shock wore off. Yea, thanks, bye.

I sat and stared at the phone for probably a full minute. Who to call with the happy news first? My redhead of almost 4 years? My parents? My sissy?

I decide on the redhead first. As I spit the hateful words out of my mouth, I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. Before I even finished the sentence, I was sobbing crying. So what do you think the mature grown woman did next?

"I want my mommy!"

That's what I reverted back to. Real grown up, huh?

My redhead proceeded to tell me that everything was going to be ok. No matter what, we would go through this together. He said he had my back no matter what and he loved me. Everything will be ok.

I called the parents next. That didn't go as well. By this time, I was still a sobbing, snotting, crying mess and could barely talk. Mom was like a rock (as usual). My Daddy was another thing all together.

Do you have any clue how horrible it is to listen to the big bad Marine cry even harder than me? I don't think anything hurt me worse than that. I found myself telling him that it would be ok, I would get through this. Don't worry My Daddy, I'll be just fine. Uhmmm, hello? Aren't I supposed to be the one freaking out? Even in a time of such shittyness for me, I had to realize how bad this was fucking with my loved ones also. God I miss the days when I could just scream and throw a fit and nobody thought anything of it!

Last, I call my sissy. Sissy, however, wasn't at home. Sissy was on her way to my house, because the redhead called and said, "She needs you, get out there".

Sissy got to my house in record time. I don't think I ever saw her drive her car that fast up the bumby dirt road. If it would have been different circumstances, I probably would have been laughing.

Sissy and I cried and talked for the longest time. Finally, we had the TV on and this stupid clip came on about Lance Armstrong. It proceeded to tell his story in about a 10 minute clip. Wanna know what?

That was the best damn thing in the world that I could have seen. It made me realize that even if I do go into invasive cervical cancer, that you can make it. It's not a death sentence, unless you allow it to be. Why would I, for the first time in my life, just lay down and take something?

Is that me? Is that what I'm like?

HELL, FUCK NO!!!!!

I will fight, I will make it and I will be just fine!!!! I live through being raised my a Marine, didn't I? What's a couple of pesky ass cancer cells to me?

NOTHING, that's what!!