Recovery

Slowly but surely, I'm recovering.

Everyone says that I'm doing remarkably well. I'm walking, I'm doing stuff, I can get in and out of a vehicle with little or no assistance. I even quit taking the vicodin during the day.

Even doing well, I just feel "out of sorts". I can't explain it. I'm that confused about everything that I don't even know what kind of food I'm hungary for. Sounds strange, doesn't it? Like I said, I just can't explain it.

Weird.

Uncomfortably Numb

I am officially UNcomfortably numb. There is NO comfort whatsoever.

I have learned numerous things in the last few days since the operation.....

1) Not smoking has got to be the mother fucking hardest thing ever!!

2) I love my wonderful little white friends called vicodin. I think I love them more than anything in the world.

3) Having a nicotine fit and then having a "non smoker" tell you that you are just fine and "you are NOT having a nicotine fit". FUCK YOU!!!!

4) A person has no dignity left after a few days in the hospital.

5) If you accidently pull the "need assistance" string while on the toilet in the hospital, the nurses will open the door and come in.

6) Even if a bathroom door is locked in the hospital, the nurse can still get into the room in 5 seconds flat

7) Nurses get pissed and turn red in the face if you lock bathroom doors and you're the patient.

8) Hosptals will put 3 I.V.'s in you and then only use 1. WHY????

9) If you have a cathater in, you can be talking to someone and be going pee without even realizing it. Just watch the bag fill up!

10) EVERYBODY in the hospital is very nosey and wants to know if you have shit or not. Kind of personal, don't ya think?

11) When your stomach gets cut open, air gets in. Gas pains can be one of the most painful things in the world.

12) Coughing is nearly impossible when your stomach is cut open.

13) Nurses will come into your room and check your catheter every 2 hours even when sleeping. Hint: When tubes are attached to someones insides through the twat, maybe wake them up and let them know you're going to jiggle things around. Just a suggestion.

14) Hospital food is pretty damn tasty when you're hungry enough.

15) I ate more jello in 2 days than I have eaten in a lifetime. If I NEVER have a fucking bite of orange jello for the rest of my life....I truthfully don't know if a lifetime is enough.

16) The volume on a hospital TV can never be turned up quite enough.

17) EVERYBODY that you have ever known calls to see how your doing when you're in the hospital. It's very appreciated, but do you know how hard it is to answer the phone with tubes poking everywhere out of your body?

18) Not smoking, but having someone with a big dip of chew in his mouth telling you that "you can do it, don't give in" and "i'm not smoking either, just for you". Yea, you're not fucking smoking, because you didn't really like smoking, but you have a big old dip in. Fuck off asshole!!! How is it any fucking different? You're still getting your nicotine and I'm not!! I've got 2 1/2 words for ya..............Balls, lick 'em!!!!!

19) Vicodin. It really is a bitch's best friend!

20) Having surgery sucks!

After Surgery...

It is 4 days since surgery and I got out of the hospital yesterday.

It sucks.

The Day.

Here I am. I got up at 3:30 this morning. I sneaked a smoke. I puked in the bathroom sink. I think some went out my nose.

All in all, I'm starting off to a great morning.

4 more hours.

I'm here, the day, the moment, only 4 more hours.

God, I hope I don't puke again.

The Day Before.........A Little Later

I still haven't packed my bag. I still haven't stopped smoking. I still haven't got anything done.

Shit.

Sucks! Sucks! Sucks!

I did however have "the last supper" of good food for the next few days.

I had brisket cooking on the stove for over 8 hours. I finally slapped it on the grill with the redheads secret BBQ sauce that rocks this world. I then cut up potatoes and put sausage, onions, peppers and parsley in it. I roasted them for almost 2 hours.

Oh what a meal!

Ok, now I actually do have to go get shit packed.

Fuck!

The Day Before.......

Last day. The final countdown. Son of a bitch!

This sucks.

Damn it.

Fuck.

Oh, this sucks so bad.

I still haven't packed my hospital bag. I haven't even washed everything that I'm taking with me. I haven't even put my toothbrush in a bag to take along.

I DON'T WANT TO DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME!!!!!!!!!

Sorry for the momentary juvenile relapse. What happened to the good old days of being able to throw oneself on the floor and kick and scream and have a big old hissy fit? I miss those days. I guess I still have that mentality at my disposal, only now I have a HUGE vocabulary of cuss words to throw in. Fuck.

I don't want to do this, but I know I have to do it.

I truely pray with all that is in my heart, that the son of a bitch that gave me HPV has his pecker fall off.

Plunk, on the ground, detached, no more penis.

Oh My God...........

Holy shit! 4 more days! Holy shit! 4 more days!

Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One thing that I have learned, especially over the last 2 weeks is that EVERYONE likes to count down a surgery date for you.

Isn't it bad enough that I know almost down to the second how much time I've got before the big day? Do people really need to come up to me every morning and tell me I have 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9....................?????

Note to anyone reading this...............DON'T FUCKING DO THAT!!

Not only is it annoying as shit, but it really doesn't help the nerves!!!!!!!!

Note to anyone reading this number 2...........QUIT ASKING EVERY FUCKING DAY IF THE PERSON IS NERVOUS OR NOT!!!!!!!!!

Nervous? Are you a damn idiot? Of course I'm nervous!! I really don't need to be asked every freaking day. Seriously, you just have to be really damn stupid to not be nervous. Quit reminding me!!!!

Note to anyone reading this number 3........QUIT MAKING THE PAINFUL FACE WHEN YOU FIND OUT WHAT'S BEING DONE!!!!

I know that it's going to hurt. I don't need the sour face that you put on when you hear it! My stomach is going to be cut open from one side to the other and my innards are being removed. I'm going to be making enough of my own faces, I don't need it from anyone else!

Note to anyone reading this number 4...............QUIT SAYING "OUCH" AND "THAT'S GOING TO REALLY BE PAINFUL"!!!!!

Refer to note number 3. That's why I'm going to be on a morphine drip for 3 days. BECAUSE IT HURTS!!!! Again, really don't need the daily reminders. I know, I know, I know, I know.

Sorry for venting, I guess it's the nerves.

But hey, only 4 more days!!!!!!!!!

Old Habits Die Hard

9 days until surgery. Is it really only 9 days? How could everything have gone by so fast? 9 days. Shit.

I went to a pig roast tonight at our neighbors. Great food, great company and TONS of booze.

I used to have quite the drinking problem. I started drinking heavily when I was 15. I went into the Army at 19, thinking the drinking would get better. Fuck, was I ever wrong.

I got to the point where I was drinking a 5th of whiskey a night and it wasn't even getting me trashed. It made me numb, but not trashed. I finally put myself in AA at the age of 21. I sobered up for about 4 months and then I fell right off the wagon into a swimming pool full of whiskey.

I fell off hard and I stayed off that wagon until the age of 27.

I was one of those sad drinkers that LOVED to sit home by myself with my bottle. I hated it when anyone disturbed me in these moments. Hell, what right does anyone have to interrupt a several year pity party over nothing?

Stupid sober people that don't understand drinking alone!!!!!!!

Do you know what finally sobered me up?

Waiting tables in a bar. It's true. I swear to God!

I started waiting tables in a local bar to earn extra money. I continued to drink for about 6 months and then I woke up. Actually, several local barflies woke me up.

You know who I'm talking about. The nasty old lady sitting at the end of the bar. The one that's been rode hard and hung out wet WAY to many times. The fat old man at the other end of the bar. The one that every time his drunk ass stood up, his pants would fall down. The young woman that would come in and end up fucking 3 guys in the back of a truck in the parking lot.

I finally realized that the path I was on was leading me somewhere that I didn't want to go. I was going to be the old lady at the end of the bar. I was going to be the pathetic drunk that would do stupid shit just for a free drink.

Yep, that was going to be me. That was my path and I put myself on it.

I realized that drinking didn't solve a damn thing for me. Besides that, I saved a hell of a lot of money by not drinking.

Don't get me wrong, I do still drink. If I want a beer, I have a beer. If I want a captain and coke, I have one. I do not however touch whiskey. I also learned that I can have just a drink or two and have a blast. I don't have to be trashed and make an ass out of myself. Every once in a while I will go out and tie one on. Once or twice a year, at best. I won't let the alcohol control my life anymore.

Since I found out in May about the possibility of cancer, It has been hard. I have not even so much as touched a glass of wine or anything in 2 months. I'm too afraid that in a moment of weakness that I will allow the booze to take back over. I'm afraid that if I drink, I will turn into a disgusting, crying drunk mess.

Until tonight.

Tonight, I broke down after 4 hours at the picnic. I broke down and had that first drink.

Big stupid dumb ass mistake.

I ended up having one hell of a stiff one. Then I ended up fighting the old inner demon to not have more and more and more and more.

I ended up leaving.

I actually had to leave. I got up and left a party that I was having fun at and had to come home. I knew that if I stayed another minute that I was done. Done. Done. Done.

Done as in puking on myself. Done as in pissing my pants. Done as in becoming a sobbing fucking mess that would have been left passed out on the ground in someones back yard.

Pathetic, huh?

It drives me crazy that no matter how much control you think you have over something, YOU DON'T!!!

Old habits and old demons die hard.